You've gone backwards and your stuck somewhere you don't want to be stuck in.
And no amount of boozing and chatting can make you get past the fact that there is really nothing worth your effort any more.
You've spent too long putting effort into things that yield no rewards. There's never anything to be found at the end of all the hard work and toil.
Something positive, something to acknowledge that you tried so fucking hard, that you did your best, is what you hope for.
You're pretty sure you won't get that.