Friday, 28 August 2009

Something must be wrong....

because I have just received two emails offering me the opportunity to apply for two scholarships for Harvard University. I swear I'm not clever enough. The world has been knocked off of its axis I think.

Monday, 24 August 2009

Jabberwocky II

A continuation of the strange and ludicrous story of Jeweeavop Vagonadgroins.

For the enjoyment of a certain Paul and myself

The Tales of Jeweeavop Vagonadgroins

Part two: Positive Action

Jeweeavop Vagonadgroins gave an audible sigh, blowing her stacked post-it notes onto the floor. She pulled out a large sheet of graphed paper and traced her finger along the descending line that represented Labianair's ever decreasing profits. She would have to give a presentation tomorrow at a morning meeting with the shareholders of her distinguished airline company. They would ask troubling and probing questions about the distinct lack of profit, the apparently poor food service on board the planes and enquire into the truth about a particurlarly vicious rumour that was circling the business world about Labianair not allowing passengers on board who wore toupees in fear of them blocking the air vent systems. This rumour was a sore point for the board of shareholders, as most of them were indeed toupee wearers, although not all were wearers of the toupee that donned the human head. Many had wigs for different occasions.

Unfortunately for Jeweeavop, this rumour was in fact true. She had banned toupee wearing on her flights due to one incident where a man's wig was sucked into the air cleansing system, causing all passengers who turned on their air conditioning to be masked in waves of fake, wispy air. Maybe that's why I have lost business, she mused. All the businessmen who used my service were wig wearers. They make up the bulk of my customers. She slapped the palm of her hand against her forehead. Why hadn't I thought of that before? Jeweeavop forcefully pushed the dark red button on the side of her desk and her assistant Muffy made her way into the office.

"Yes Ms Vagonadgroins?" Muffy picked at the dirty jizzy spot on the sleeve of her old jumper.
"My meeting tomorrow, when is it?"
Muffy flicked through the purple filofax she carried in her hand. "11 o'clock."
Jeweeavop slammed her hand down on the desk in joy. "I have time." She bent over and picked up her bag which contained the quim she had been so severly concerned about. "Tell Quiffetidbrain to move his appointment with me to another day. I have other things to get on with today."
"But..but Quiffetidbrain said he couldn't rearrange. He is off to Mauritius in two days."
Jeweeavop growled. "Well fuck him then. I don't have time to bow down to that complete toss pot. I have a business to save goddamit!" Without realising, Jeweeavop had unintentionally grabbed Muffy by the shoulders and shook her. She stepped back and let out an awkward cough. "Sorry about that Muffy."
The assistant re-arranged her skewed glasses and pushed thme back on her nose. "No problem Ms Vagonadgroins. I know you get very passionate when it comes to Labianair. I'll try and rearrange the meeting with Quiffetidbrain for another day."
"Thank you Muffy. Now put your knickers on and get me a cup of tea."
Muffy nodded her head in affirmation before leaving the room.

Taking her seat back behind her desk, Jeweeavop flipped open her black leather bag and pulled out her quim. To her delight it was no longer running like shockingly made custard, but a healthy medium. Ideally, Jeweeavop would want her quim to be viscous but hopefully her quim would develop the right consistency over the course of the day as long as she stayed positive.

Jeweeavop smiled before placing the quim back into her bag. It was going to be a productive day.

Thursday, 20 August 2009


...Is the kind of onomatopoeia that represents exactly the type of feeling that is NOT currently flowing through my persons.

I'm in a grumpy and downright miserable mood. Blame my hormones, I am a woman after all. Also, the fact I am stuck on Skate... is not helping my mood either. The manuals are near impossible to bloody land.

Bollocks. Tits. Arse.

Thursday, 13 August 2009

Lazy Old Bitch

Wow I am a lazy old bitch. I haven't blogged in about twelve decades, not because I forgot, but because I have zilch to bloody well talk about. All my days have amalgamated into one long, fuzzy, repetitve stretch of sleeping, waking, watching rubbish television, eating, facebook-ing, eating, playing Gears of War and sleeping. And so and so forth, the neverending circle continues. Fun times.

So I thought I should give a mere sliver of a blog just to assure the interwebz that I haven't abandoned it for a swish new model. No, I have just been bored out of my mind. Although I do have a sort of job thing going at the moment which is helping to stem the melancholy boredom that has been puncturing nearly every waking moment of my life since June.

I do however have some items to look forward in the coming weeks. A holiday for one. I am scooting off up North for a few days in order to taste the delights of Lochs and breakfasts made by a man named Gordon. Then there is my urge to carry on the interesting story of Jeweeavop Vagonadgroins. Created after a ludicrous game of very rude Scrabble, part one of the story has already been posted by my good friend Screenaged Kicks and the post can be found here Jabberwocky.

Hopefully my mind will create some new and interesting places where I could take the story. Who knows.

So yes, I am alive, I am well and hoping for the next month to be a hell of a lot better than the last one.