I Dip My Toe

I'm not going to pretend to be some sort of political oracle or a person who knows the exact in and outs of being an MP within the British political system. Sure I did do a A-Level in politics but that pretty much consisted of me, and the other seven gullable beings who took it, sitting in a grimly decorated classroom observing like guppies as the teacher wafted his pen around the whiteboard, manoeuvring lines and constituencies around in a blur of colour. Occasionally we were treated to the American political system, a system more foul smelling and fucked up than our own, and we would compare the two and go "Oh gosh. How frightfully strange? They use college votes and we don't." *guffaw guffaw*

After being bombarded, molested, and downright raped by the excessive coverage of the whole MP expenses row on both the TV and in the newspapers, I thought I might as well wade in with my view on the debacle. Although being a student (nearly ex-student) my opinion is about as valid as a Michael Barrymore's view on pool safety i.e. not very. Who cares though? Nobody ever reads most of the crap on here anyway.

First off.....bravo to the MPs for proving to us that we were right the entire time. Politics stinks like an old tramp's leather boot. Power corrupts and all that shit. We all knew it deep down in our hearts but we never wanted to admit it. We wanted to live in the blissful ignorance that what the MPs did in their spare time didn't affect us directly. But now we have confirmation....it does! If we were a church congregation the MPs would be the ones on the front, sliding a few pennies off the charity plate into their pocket that the people in the back put on first. We know the absolute truth. Every MP has twelve homes, all of which have butlers and cheesemakers and our hard earned cash is being used and abused by many (not all) to pay for the boons. Now everyone officially hates MPs.

People are unsurprisingly shocked, disgusted and appalled. I fall into the middle category. I was not in the slightest bit shocked as we've had MP based scandals before. Not a month goes by without hearing something about some MP banging a coffee shop worker on an illegal visa or using their powers to get 50% at Debenhams to buy his male mistress some sexy lingerie. So why are we so shocked now?

I was not and I'm still not appalled by the situation. It happens all the time down in the real world. People claim benefits and they don't really need them. You get people claiming disability benefits when they are down the gym pumping iron; others claim unemployment benefit and then work for cash in hand on the side. It happens. But because now it has transpired MPs are doing everyone is getting their huge granny pants/boxer shorts in a twist. MPs are hardly role models to society no matter how much people claim that they should be. I've heard of less debauchery in a Dutch brothel.

It does sound like I am defending MPs doesn't it? Well I am not. What they have done is inherently wrong and they should be named, money should be given back and, in the worst cases, they should be prosecuted if there is overwhelmingly evidence of fraud. But the huge blanket coverage is in danger of turning the public away into denial. I know that I am sick of seeing the maudlin faces of middle aged politicians on my screen and on the front of the tabloids/broadsheets that I buy every day. I don't want to hear it anymore. I don't want to drown in the miserable nature of it all and I am sure in this particular time of miserableness, others don't want to be head-dunked into a vat of viscous despairing liquid. Many times this week I have turned on the news and been faced with Mark Austin/Alistair Stewart telling me that our political system is rotten to the core, that the youth of today are all ferile yobs that go round glassing old ladies and burning dogs, and that were all just a expanding swell of evil thoughts and actions. I can't take it anymore.

The television switches straight over if MP expenses are mentioned. I know the score, I've been told it enough bloody times in the past few weeks. My mind has been dulled by the constant barrage of accusations. Some old guy claimed for a mortgage he paid off, some guy claimed for a tin of Ronseal, some guy claimed for his wife's shackles. Why must we be fed this unrelenting diet of despair and corruption? Can just one news programme not mention the entire thing for five minutes?

'But we have a right to know!' I hear you implore. Yes, yes you do but the majority of people are just sick of the whole thing. Sick of seeing the same thing day after day. It's depressing and we don't need depressing at the moment. There should be one massive supplement in the Daily Telegraph naming all the MPs who have claimed wrongly, instead of the drip-drip information which comes out everyday. Do it in one! Get it over with! So we can all go back to eating our Bran Flakes without having to groan everytime the paper is slapped down on the table and another picture of a wrinkly moron looking sheepish greets us in the morning.

Best case scenario: Parliament becomes Woolworths and is put in administration after a vote of confidence overrules the borad (the speaker/PM). Then there is a massive clearout. 75% off everything. Then buy up the empty building and vote our choices back in. Hopefully Lib Dems get the majority and Nick Clegg becomes PM.

Unfortunately this probably won't happen as Nick Clegg seems to have been in hibernation through this whole thing until yesterday and people don't have the belief that the Lib Dems are a strong enough choice. Everyone who hates Labour will vote Conservative and the horrible snake that is David Cameron will weedle his way to becoming PM by a startling combination of Labour's ineptitude, his own modelling on Tony Blair, the way he speaks ONLY in soundbites and his ability to jump on bandwagons at just the right moment.

Quite frankly, it's a lose-lose situation for me. Have either a mildly corrupt Parliament or Conservative government? Or are those the same thing? Who knows?

Who needs a drink?