I am too busy watching Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace to post something deep and meaningful (like i ever do anyway) so I am going to post something which just randomly popped into my head while I was sitting watching Dr Rick Dagless get chased by a telekentic powered whisk.
How would you deal with a evil telekentic powered whisk that was aiming for your jugular? Would you stand back and let telekensis take its toll? Would you get on your knees and pray for an end to the kitchen utensil torture? Or would you stand up to the beastly whisk and defeat it forthwith?
Hopefully these simple solutions will help you when you encounter such a problem.
So here are my five easy tips for dealing with such an instance:
1. Chuck Norris style
This one should be obvious. You look the whisk squarely in the err… whisk bits and tell it that it is wrong to mess with you. That you will never be defeated, that you are the star of Delta Force and Walker, Texas Ranger (you have to get in the Chuck mindset you see), that your beard has stopped traffic, that you have the manliest name in all of the world, and then you (in one swift movement) swing your leg round and whack the aforementioned evil whisk in the whisk bits. The whisk then bends and falls to the floor twitching, as you survey your surroundings with a cold steely look of determination. That my friends, is a roundhouse kick and that is how you do it Chuck Norris style. No mess, no fuss.
2. John Wayne/cowboy style
No, you don’t scare the whisk with your terrible acting skills reminscent of John Wayne. This is cowboy style with a few scary John Wayne impressions thrown in to give the whisk the message. First off you need to find a toothpick pretty swiftly. Snap it in half, put it half in your mouth and chew. Squint your eyes and put and then, with your best cowboy drawl, declare to the whisk that ‘this town aint big enough for the both of us’. Draw out your imaginary guns and ‘bang bang!’ Hopefully this will scare the not too clever whisk into thinking it has just been shot and thusly it will collapse in a mechanical heap on the floor.
If that doesn’t work then don an eyepatch and grab a bottle of whisky and and slur (alá John Wayne in True Grit) your way towards the whisk. If this doesn’t scare the whisk off then i am afraid nothing will and your pretty much fucked.
3. Jackie Chan/Bruce Lee style
Or just generally martial art style. You need to be a person of decent dexterity to carry this one off. This style also means you have to meet the whisk face to erm.. face kind of thing. Take your shirt off first then take many deep breaths, be as one with your body and all that shit. Then walk towards the whisk until you are face to face. Then with your lightning hand speed (which has miraculously come out of nowhere) twist and bend the whisk until it is knotted in on itself. Also make sure you haven’t managed to knot your fingers into the whisk otherwise your fingers are pretty buggered. Then release the whisk from your tiger like grip and watch it fall to the floor in a hail of twisted metal. Satisfying isn’t it?
4. Joan Rivers style
This one is pretty easy. Obviously if you had all the surgery then this style would be a lot more effective but we don’t have time for that, we have a telekentic powered whisk heading towards our jugular. All this style really needs is you shouting sarcastic, soul destroying, caustic remarks at the whisk in a low gravelly tone. Eventually this tirade of evil heckling at the whisk will destroy it’s confidence. Making it believe that it is not powerful enough to compete with you, that it won’t hit your jugular because its aim is too rubbish, that it should go off hide in a darkened room and that it should be ashamed to call itself a whisk.
If you are not very good at cutting remarks and making people feel shit about themselves then this style is not for you. But managers should have no problem with this one.
5. Miley Cyrus style
This is the most effective if carried out properly. It is also a prety basic set up. Grab a shitty looking blonde wig and screech out a Hannah Montana song at the top of your voice. If this doesn’t work then remove the wig and sing a Miley Cyrus song at the top of your voice. If this STILL doesn’t work, then rope in Billy Ray Cyrus and do a father-daughter rendition of Achy Breaky Heart.
By now the whisk should at least be spluttering and wheezing in the air. If so, then repeat the process. By the second rendition of Achy Breaky Heart not only will the whisk be rendered completely paralysed but every other human and machine will have also collapsed and been paralysed due to the sheer awfulness of what has been performed before them.
If neither of these five solutions work for you, then i am afraid your jugular is very much at a whisk risk. So good luck with that.
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